I want to stop. I can’t do it any more. There is simply no payback. I’ve given it my best, I’ve really tried, I really have. I’m sick of going to yoga class. I’m tired of getting up every morning at 4:30am and sitting silently on my own reciting words from old books that should have gone out of print decades ago. I’m sick of the food, even more so I am sick of walking into restaurants to pages of a menu and being stuck with Penne a la Carbonara. I’m sick of veggie samosis and cheese rolls in the cafe. I’m just fed up joining people in the cafe and having peppermint tea while everyone else is having big steaming cups of cappuccino.
I sick and tired of meeting people with a poverty consciousness. who talk about money not being important, and yet they are living on the bread line. Did God really want us to live in scarcity while the rest of nature lives in abundance. I’m sick of meeting people who talk about spirituality like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, and then hearing the great craic they had going out getting pissed at the weekend. Yogi Bhajan called these peoples fakes. Am I a fake too?
I’m sick of seeing cheap website, dodgy blogs, and poorly designed flyers that have the words Yogi Bhajan scrolled across the top, like that’s going to make the rest of the dodgy text suddenly seem ok. I’m sick of words for the sake of words. Comments to get more readers, and posts to keep up with the quota. I’m just tired. Don’t get me wrong. There is no special message here. I just think I got it wrong. I’m sick of people saying they can’t afford to attend workshop x, or invest in product y, and then spend twice the prices on knee jerk reactions, to stop their business going bust, or needless junk. I’m sick of hearing people talk about being strong, and solid and ready to handle the tough times, and yet have not sorted out any of their Karma.
I’m sick of getting up every morning at 4:30 for sadhana, and seeing my life change irreversibly. Losing old friends, and wondering if new friends will keep up. I’m sick of people not being authentic to themselves and therefor not being authentic to me. I’m sick of hearing about people who have ‘make it’ and I say what do you do, and they say “I just sit by the pool all day, and absorb the rays of the sun”. Is that it? Is that what you have given this life for? to sit back and do nothing?
But I’m proud of one man. A man that had changed all this for me. A man who was listened and was willing to learn from everyone around. a man who, like me took on board the teachings, and was willing to do it all, a man who has struggled for years to find a way to live a Dharmic life totally, and who now stands on the edge of the cliff like an Eagle, waiting to soar over the valley. and I see the effect that sharing what I have learnt with this man. And I hear day by day how his newly focussed mind and intellect is cutting through Karma like a laser beam, almost like how years of training suddenly got switched on overnight and the most gracious, charismatic, powerful, and beautiful man appears out of no where. So, no I’m not going to stop. Not for him. I want to watch his progress. He has invited me to meet his Master, and I think the time has come to find my Master. I’m not going to stop, because now I know….
So today, I’m not doing Sadhana. I’m sitting here at 4:30 writing this, with Ardas playing in the background. I’m sitting here with the tears rolling down my cheeks, because, now I get it. Now I know, it’s not about the masses. Guru once said to me that enlightenment is not about saving yourself, it’s about who you bring along for the ride. and Now I get it, we’re not supposed to bring everyone along for the ride. Just the chosen few who will make a difference.
So, I’m going to stop trying to make a difference, because I now know that I have. and in accepting this, I recognize that most will chastise me, will challenge me, and will still keep to their own way. So to those people, I say, I salute you for the amount of struggle you bring to you life, and I respect that your soul wants you to experience what your will experience. so I will keep up, and tomorrow will be day 40 of my 40 day sadhana, and I will finish the cycle. Because it makes a difference, and those that know, well, you already know.. don’t you?
nsy.edbd
Tolemac said,
March 5, 2009 at 7:37 am
Satnam, my friend. Waheguru.
You have the right of it completely. You have broken through another layer of resistance, seen the worth of those who “mouth the words”, and have found more peace for yourself.
My Master here in Santa Fe, Guruchander, reminds us of Yogi Bhajan’s words all the time, and reminds us that we are all teachers who do this work and that by our example do we uplift others as well as ourselves.
If that means only one other person “gets it” then that is the way it is.
BTW, I’m listening to Har Har Mukande at the moment. =)
Bright Blessings,
Ross – Tolemac
Alix Fateh said,
March 5, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow, I’d love to have a cup of tea with you. There comes a point that we all reach (if we’re blessed) that we have to make it our own. We stop doing what we see others doing (drinking peppermin tea, getting up at 4:30, reading Japji) and we start doing what our hearts long for. Some things stay, some things go. We are now authenically aligned…not trying to belong or be good or get the spiritual gold star. If Yogiji’s teachings could be boiled down to 2 words…I humbly submit they would be BE YOU! You’re so one it.
Alice said,
March 6, 2009 at 6:44 am
Thanks for being authentic and fresh and honest. In doing so, you are more inspirational than you give yourself credit for.
Life is a series of leaps and awakenings. You don’t have to be conventional and walk the rhetoric, in fact, because you don’t, you are more real than most. You discovered this, and because you’re brave enough to write about it, you are real and true and honest.
Namaste. I’m proud to know you.
Alice
zaza said,
March 10, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Stumbled upon your post as my husband and I start a year long journey across the world to study yoga. Strange, but I feel uplifted by the truthful, frustrated words.
“One can not have great practice every day. But one must practice every day to have great practice.”
~namaste~
sikhpath said,
March 19, 2009 at 5:55 am
WOW
Amar Kaur said,
May 2, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Wow, a lot of self pity? Questions? Loneliness? One is never a lone. Self- Acceptance is one aspect of being, the other is accepting others for where they are in their own space. We are all on different plains and no one person is similar to another. 81 facets, we reflect aspects of ourself to different people every day and it is not always the same facet all day long. As for drinking mint tea every day and staying away from caffeine, I say do as the the Mahan Tantric did have a Latte every once and a while. Yes, Yogi Bhajan did drink Latte’s. Even Gurucharan Singh drinks lattes and is the director of training for KRI. YB has told this story numerous times, a couple came for counseling and said, they would do whatever YB suggest for a meditation for 40 days. Mind you the couple were purists about everything they did or put in their bodies. YB said junk food for 40 days, then you can relate to others. And they were able to relate to others afterwards. We all strive to raise our level of vibrational energy. But what does that mean? It could mean different thing to different people. However if someone is trying to be like the Herd to have a community, then it is not an authentic relationship. Have authentic relationships, especially with yourself first.
Sierragoddess said,
May 3, 2009 at 7:54 am
Difficult to surrender the merchant mind. Difficult to surrender a dream just to fit into a different dream. Difficult to surrender guilt and the perception of outside expectations. We demand that if we “do” something, then we will “get” something in return. Western mentality is geared to instant gratification.
I think that it is hilarious that we continue to attribute what we eat or drink as a consequence to our spirituality. Just one of many jokes of the new age.
We are One. We are God, and God is always connected. Just because you wake up in the morning, doesn’t mean that you are out of the dream. You release yourself thereby releasing others. Your brother is your saviour.
I admire your honest struggle and ability to write openly. I went through a similar experience. When I recognized the joke, I couldn’t stop laughing. Truly blissful. Happy to meet you and look forward to meeting you in person someday.